p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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