Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
