Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
