you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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