I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
