hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
