Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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