I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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