My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
