he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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