One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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