its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
