I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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