so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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