why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
