I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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