Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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