Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
"it" just moved
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
