she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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