He kissed a someone with a penis
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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