god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
