i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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