And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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