If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
