dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
