he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize