I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
whose parrot is this?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
