i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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