My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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