Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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