i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
