remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
