Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
