In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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