my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
