how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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