maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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