Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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