saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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