We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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