if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
