Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
