I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize