onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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