last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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