After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Still dying that you shit outside
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
