I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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