He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
