rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
