You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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