If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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