Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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