she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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