The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
