Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
