i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
