I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
