I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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