I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
