Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
