The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
